Right now I feel sick and I’m in tears. I just sent an email to a lovely friend of mine who is getting married in January overseas saying that I can’t make it.
The amount of shame I feel about this is overwhelming. I can’t attend because I don’t have the money. Something about me that you may or may not know – I never have the money.
I will put flights on my credit card each and every time someone gets married because I don’t think there is any other option. I have never considered not going before. YES to me in these situations is a knee-jerk reaction and it has taken it’s toll on my bank account and my health.
I saw my incredible kinesiologist Kerry (yes I’ve gushed about her before, it’s never enough) yesterday and we tackled the deep reason behind why I do this. I want to be the best friend, best daughter, best girlfriend ALL THE TIME. Saying no means that I become unacceptable. I’ve stopped giving and therefore I am a terrible person.
So much of my identity is caught up in being a giver. Being generous, whether it be with time, energy or money. This is why boundaries have been such a big theme for me this year and this feels like the last piece of the puzzle.
Saying no is a form of self love I’ve never let myself indulge in before (even the way I worded that sentence is interesting. Saying no is an indulgence? Haha). But when I say YES simply as a reaction, often it’s not a SINCERE YES.
I am now going to sit with every decision I have to make that affects my time, energy or money. Am I making this decision out of fear (of disappointing someone, seeming boring or missing out) or out of love?
If you can relate to this, please I’d love to hear from you. Have you said yes too many times and it’s taken a toll on you in some way? Have you found a way to manage it that’s worked for you?
The Fierce Journal 
Babe. We are always so hard on ourselves. Let’s not talk about me and money. The lesson you share here is one I’ve never got. Maybe one day.
We all have so many secret faults that we hide and as soon as you share them realise so many others have the same issues.
Thanks for sharing xoxo
Thanks so much gorgeous. I am trying to be as transparent and honest as I can be each and every day (even with myself). It’s pretty confronting but I’m having some awesome conversations and connections. So worth it. Hope you’re well hun. xx
I found this via Kerry’s share – glad I did. I love it and have learnt very similar lessons more recently too. Self-love sure is about saying yes and no for the right reasons and at first it really is hard but with practice it becomes easier and the discomfort eases. I am going to share this post with my Facebook tribe.
Thank you SO much Judy, that’s so kind of you. I completely agree. It’s a hard lesson to learn re self love but an important one. x
Oh Kim, I so hear you on this! I am a recovering people-pleaser. It took a while for all the inner work and readings I had done to come together and help me be more comfortable saying no, but I am definitely getting there. Working with a coach helped me so much, as did reading Brene Brown’s books (I love her!) and Alex Franzen’s posts on saying no with generousity on her blog. Be gentle with yourself xx
I am about to dive into Brene’s book Daring Greatly so that’s amazing to hear! Thank you for the post and the suggestions, really appreciate it. x
This sounds very familiar. It’s so hard to say no when you know that for the longest time people have always expected you to say yes. But you know, you get to a point in life, where this is not sustainable and where you have to make a decision that you have to come first (at least every once in a while).
That’s exactly it San! Putting ourselves can be very uncomfortable at first but when we keep reminding ourselves that it’s in our best interest and we can give more to what we do say yes to, it starts to come together. 🙂 x