Some of you will feel as though you know me. You may have migrated from my last blog, you may have met me, you may even be friends with me – and if you are, you’ll know things have shifted a lot for me in the last few months.
Some of those changes have been sad and difficult (like breaking up with my boyfriend of five and a half years). Some of those changes have been exciting and scary (like deciding to go for it and get back into performing my own music).
The biggest shift of all though has been the feeling of empowerment from facing these changes head on.
People always tell you that you’re stronger than you know and y’know what? They’re right. No mater what shit-storm you’re in, you’ll get through it (and those who really matter will be there with you).
I wanted to start afresh. A new blog space free from my old ways. Free from the years of people pleasing. Free from the rewrites and edits. Free from any fear whatsoever. A place that would be messy but in it’s own way beautiful, just as life seems to be right now.
I’ve done a lot of soul searching in my twenties (as I’m sure you have too) but never alone. I think I’ve been single for a total of about eight months since I was seventeen. I’ve always been part of something… of someone, and now I’m not (an idea which feels thrilling and terrifying at the same time).
With some boyfriends I changed myself, contorting my personality into what I thought they desired (and would leave these relationships confused about who I truly was and what was real). In others I would see him change, presumably into what he thought I wanted (and I’d leave feeling a sense of guilt and bewilderment).
Now at 28, I have the chance to simply see what happens, to let who I am evolve by herself.
I don’t mean for this space to be self indulgent or voyeuristic. I want to have conversations. I want to know about your lives. I want you to feel like you can share some of the messy pieces here without judgement.
My last blog was very much focused on the light fluff on top (which is lovely) but I feel that more and more, we’re lacking the deeper connection. We lack the ability to take our masks off in their entirety. But why not share our failures? Why not talk about what keeps us up at night? Yes, sometimes meditation or a hot cup of tea can make us feel better, but sometimes life is murkier than that. Murky isn’t bad and it’s not something to attach shame to.
I know everyone who read my last blog was strong beyond belief. Most of you are women, smack bang in the middle of an identity crisis just like me, but are contributing to society in some amazing way. Imagine what we could do if we truly stepped into our power? If we stripped back the doubts and really went for it?
THAT is what I want this space to inspire.
I’ll be open and transparent with you and maybe one day you’ll open up right back. Maybe that day will never come and that’s okay too.
Here’s something to ponder this week: WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOUR FIERCE ALTER EGO WAS IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT ALL THE TIME?
We’ve all probably met her at some point. The version of ourselves who is fearless, who knows what she wants and goes for it without hesitation. She often appears for a split second or two and will vanish again as soon as our ego takes control, but she’s there. She’s always there.
I’ve been taking mine out of retirement more and more often these days. She pressed send on an email I sent a local producer with one of my songs attached. My ego begged her to stop because the song wasn’t finished or good enough, but she didn’t listen and went ahead anyway.
When the break up happened, she was the one who contacted my friends and asked for help and support. My ego was embarrassed and wanted to hide from the world but she wouldn’t let that happen.
She appears when I teach my students, start or launch new projects, talk to strangers, counsel my friends. She has her shit together and makes me feel as though anything is possible. Letting her out is a choice. We can let our fear and doubt rule us or we can let our fierce alter ego take over and move through the discomfort for us.
So, I ask you – have you felt her presence in your life and what would you being doing differently if she was more in control?